And I thought, wow! That is such a sweet and amazing gesture.
I also wished it would have been practiced at several of the weddings I attended throughout my time as a single mother (one of which, I now admit with chagrin, I straight up dove for the bouquet, basically colliding with and fighting for the bouquet with another bridesmaid. I was proud of winning it at the time, though I banged up my knees, arms, and probably the other girl, a little).
This got me reflecting on patience.
That story to me is funny now that I am happily married. It was also funny back then, I imagine, watching grown women battling for a bunch of flowers over some crazy superstition, which clearly has no merit (it was years after catching this supposed symbol of good luck before I finally tied the knot).
But it also struck a nerve with me, now, looking at this beautiful idea in comparison with the silly games we play at weddings (and I'm not knocking the game, really--I threw my own bouquet and enjoyed doing so--and my now-sister-in-law caught mine, so that was pretty cool!).
It struck a nerve because I was so worried back then. I knew while I was single that I would have to be patient, and yet, I was doing desperate stuff like tackling bridesmaids.
I used to pray for patience. I'm reminded these days that I still need to.
Patience is an area of my life that constantly needs attention; I constantly require God's direction. When I was with Rashieme in my early twenties, I was impatiently waiting for a proposal. When our relationship fell apart, I impatiently struggled to adjust to single life, wondering if God had anyone for me.
It was when I stopped trying to force things to happen, took a step back, and finally decided to trust God--that was when what I wanted most of all came to fruition. When we do allow patience--not complacency--to fill our lives, I have found that God often blesses us beyond our desires. I thought Rashieme and I had broken our relationship so badly it was never going to be able to be repaired. But as I prayed for a Godly man and focused on making myself into the woman I thought that sort of man would deserve to be with, God showed me that Rashieme was becoming exactly the kind of husband I'd always dreamed of. I am fortunate enough to be married to the one I've loved since seventeen, despite all the ways I'd messed that relationship up before, when my priorities were selfish (not horrible, but definitely selfish).
I'm still growing. I'm still selfish at times. I still need more patience!
I have been struggling with patience in the area of my writing for several years. I know God gave me this talent and desire for a reason, yet I have consistently run into dead ends on my journey to publication. But I am choosing to believe that God's pauses are not "no"s. They're just "not yet"s. And in the meantime, I've tried to focus on what is within my control, getting back up and dusting myself off, and continuing to try, asking God to clarify how I can better honor Him and care for others in my quest. This last part, I think, is the key.
My home is another area that requires patience. My dad's property is the definition of one step forward and two steps back. I get frustrated sometimes, because I knew my father would have known what to do, figured out how to prevent problems I'm currently trying to fix. Living in over an acre of trees (it's like the lottery, guessing which one is going to fall next. But unlike the lottery, odds are are pretty good that a tree is going to come crashing down) in a fifty-year-old home when you have little to no talent, time, or money to devote to the types of responsibilities this kind of property entails is, quite honestly, exhausting and frustrating. But I'm making up my mind to try and do my best each day, and look to God for direction about what comes next. I'm asking the Lord to help me be less materialistic, even as I ask Him to make a way for us to create a safe and beautiful home for our children. And I try to worry about what is within my control, and minimize my complaining about what is not (and this is definitely an area I am still working on. Just ask my husband, who gets the brunt of my complaints!).
I believe that God also uses the little stuff to teach patience, though. I said this aloud to my daughter, yesterday, as we were preparing to go to Dunkin Donuts. I love Dunkin, and I have the app (which, in my opinion, is less than amazing). But I try to use the app every time we go, because I want my purchases to result in points, which can be redeemed for free coffee.
Yesterday, though I've done it hundreds of times before, the app was simply not letting me add more funds.
I mean, if I went through the series of steps once, I probably did it a couple dozen times. Hitting the same screens, typing in the same numbers, waiting...
And, nothing.
And then, randomly, on a last ditch attempt right outside the restaurant...
It went through.
And I said to Kaliah-- "God does this stuff on purpose. He's testing me on these little annoying things, because I continue to fail."
I was half-joking, half serious. Do I think God uses the little stuff to talk to us and get our attention? Absolutely. Do I wonder if the Great Almighty orchestrated a deliberate technological glitch in a Donut app to teach me patience?
I don't think God causes all things. But I think He uses all things.
How do I know that I still need to learn how to better exercise patience in the little stuff?
Case in point--this was a couple months ago. I call this story "The Great Fax Machine Debacle."
One day, I needed to request that an old doctor of mine fax some paperwork to a new doctor I was seeing. Don't get me started on why they can't just email this crap by now--you can't tell me that secure servers that deliver information to someone's private password-protected inbox are less able to be infiltrated than random pieces of paper sitting in a fax machine's delivery tray. But anyway, I digress.
Here is how I easily managed to complete the required documentation process in several simple steps:
1. Look up old doctor's number on the internet.
2. Call number. Realize they are closed, even though it's only 3 o'clock.
3. Repeat step one several days later. Call and speak with a nice lady who tells you that before she can send info to the doctor, you have to fill out a form. Ask her to email it; she says it needs to be faxed.
4. While on the phone with said nice lady, email our heroic administrative goddess, asking her for our work fax number. She answers within seconds, because she's awesome like that.
5. Give woman on phone number. Figure the ordeal is coming to a close.
6. Run upstairs from your office to the office where the fax machine lives. Successfully obtain paper that has been faxed.
7. Fill out form. Check document for return fax number and assume it is the number that has been printed on the edge of the paper during the faxing process.
8. Get crash course in sending fax on this particular model from administrative goddess. Jam paper several times. Finally get fax sent.
9. Go downstairs to leave for the day. Gather up belongings in office and head for the door.
10. Stop to answer the phone. Find out you did not fax the return form back to the intended doctor's office, but rather, a random pharmacy whose number, during the fax process, was printed on the edge of the documents you received for no apparent reason.
11. Ask kind pharmacist if he happens to know the correct fax number for said doctor.
12. Learn that he does not.
13. Call the doctor back. This time, get referred to an answering service.
14. Wait on hold until answering service picks up. Tell answering service you need the fax number for the doctor.
15. Obtain the fax number. Write it down on a post-it.
16. Go back upstairs with papers to be faxed and fax number.
17. Drop post-it in hallway. Realize you dropped post-it in hallway when an attentive colleague calls down the hallway after you, "You dropped this."
18. Try to refrain from dissolving into hysterics as you imagine yourself ashamedly returning to administrative goddess's office to once again attempt the faxing process without the fax number.
19. As you re-fax document, reflect on how what should have already been accomplished has, instead, taken you nineteen steps. Jam paper several times before effectively sending the fax. Imagine yourself flying into a rage and destroying the office, starting with hurling the fax machine across the room--but don't stop there. Visualize yourself picking up and throwing multiple items (including but not limited to books, the desk phone, mail from office mail boxes, and the trash can) all over the room in a fit of fury. It's a fantasy, so go ahead and imagine yourself toppling the bookcase and smashing the windows as well.
20. Smile and say goodbye to the administrative goddess.
21. Go home and enjoy the weekend.
22. Return to work the following Monday and receive a voicemail from the new doctor's office, who claim that the old doctor's office did not send them your records, but instead, requested your records from the new doctor be sent to them (which makes zero sense, because you are not a current patient at the old doctor's, so why would they want your records--that you don't even have, because you are a NEW patient who has yet to even see the new doctor!).
23. Call the old doctor's. Learn that you filled out the paperwork incorrectly, putting the new doctor's info in the old doctor's spot, and vice versa, hence explaining why the old doctor asked the new doctor for your records instead of providing the new doctor with your history.
24. Ask politely to have records sent, rather than requested, explaining that you are no longer a patient with the old doctor, and have not been in twelve years.
25. Learn that you must fill out paperwork again.
26. Try not to cry.
27. Explain that you struggled mightily with the fax machine last week and that you need the information sent before Wednesday. Ask them to please just send what they need to via email.
28. Learn that, once again, email is not as secure as a piece of random paper. Also learn that you have a thirty dollar balance that needs to be paid to your old doctor.
29. Get transferred and pay balance via credit card after pleading with first person on the phone that you will re-fax everything. Get her word that she will send documents now while you are preparing to re-fax.
30. Realize you no longer have the fax number.
31. Take a break from all this, because you have an actual job to do. Go teach a class.
32. Return to office and call old doctor. Ask for and receive fax number. Again.
33. Re-fax documents and hope for best.
34. Go to new doctor on Wednesday. Learn that old doctor did not fax documents.
And, there you have it, folks.
Because I did not smile through these 34 steps. Because I did not model Christianity through this process (though I also didn't cuss up a storm, which I think deserves at least some kudos). Because I felt my hair turning grayer and imagined myself engaging in destruction of property.
Because of all these reasons, I know I still need more patience.
May your day today contain fewer aggravations than the aforementioned example. But in the event that you are being tested, remember:
We all are.
God uses the little stuff, too.
And I'm just trying to do everything with more patience and reflection than I would have yesterday. The big stuff. The little stuff. The aggravations and celebrations.
All of it.
Have a Happy Tuesday. May you find the wonder in this week, even if you're tested heavily, in matters large or small.
