Thoughts on Writing... I'm Done!

So, a few months ago, I had started a series of posts exploring my Thoughts On Writing, and I had ambitiously decided to come up with thirty-six reflections on my relationship with writing in celebration of my thirty-sixth birthday.

That was a stupid idea.

Well, maybe the idea was okay.  And if I really wanted to, I could probably continue pushing myself to come up with tidbits to share... but the problem is, as it usually is, that my intentions are good, but my commitment to my execution?  Not so much.

Maybe that should be something I learn about writing:  Follow through!

But the truth is, when it matters, I do.

I finished my dissertation--on time, even!

I've finished a draft of my latest book-length project--a memoir.

I finish short stories.  I finish essays.  Sometimes I even finish poems, though I rarely share those.

But just as often, I do leave things unfinished.  Maybe this is the life of the writer--abandon some projects in favor of others.  Know when to save it for later, or perhaps, call time of death.

I'm calling time of death on Thoughts on Writing.  Writing about writing is fun and all, and the thirty-six ways were a challenge to help me keep my commitment to post more regularly.

(You see how well that worked out).

But they've served their purpose--I got a few posts out of the project (three to be exact, for a grand total of EIGHTEEN THOUGHTS ON WRITING!), and as usually happens this time of the year, no matter what my intentions, blogging is now taking a backseat.

To grading and planning and meetings.

To school:  Both my own work (it is a nice change of pace to not be a student, for once in the last eight semesters!) as well as each of my daughters' schools (Yes, Shay goes to SCHOOL now--can you believe it?).

To searching for crock pot recipes.  To preparing crock pot recipes.

To losing the never ending war that is trying to clean my house.

To rooting for the Ravens and dealing with the jubilee and despair my fandom brings me.

To scheduling time with Rashieme and Kaliah and Shay--whereas lazy summer days allow us to spend time together--or not--as we see fit, I have to be more intentional about allocating time for and to my family when the chaos of the academic semester starts revving up.

To writing other stuff--for work, for me, for church.

So yeah, my thoughts on writing?  I've thought enough about it.  Lol.

I'd rather spend the time I would have dedicated to writing about writing to writing something else--because at the end of the day, our time is limited.  I've written enough about being a writer.

I want to write about living.

And as the great Henry David Throeau once said, "How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live."

Doc Life

So I happened to visit my brother a couple days ago, who asked me about my blog, as he'd met a blogger who has similar interests.

Which prompted me to think, oh, yeah.  I have a blog.

So today, I logged on and realized that I haven't updated my blog since late August.

And felt a bit guilty, not because I think anyone really misses the occasional humor, but because it's a mark of something that, once again, I didn't follow through on.

But then I decided that this time, I had a good excuse.

As a colleague put it, when I asked him how he was doing:

"Well, I entered the doctoral program, and then my life exploded."

Doc studies are, to me, so many things:  Challenging.  Invigorating.  Consuming.  Rewarding.  Painful.  Hopeful. 

Life changing.

Maybe I'm being overdramatic.  But maybe I'm not.  Nothing else that I've ever done in academia has pushed me like this, forced me to question the world around me, required such dedication or commitment.

The first few weeks, I was on autopilot, rushing from school to work to school to my other work to home to church to school to work to my other work to home... you get the idea.

I was so thrown off with my sense of scheduling.  As a school teacher, you work Monday to Friday.  Of course you grade and plan at night and on the weekends.  But you have a set regular schedule.  Since I've become a research assistant, I also have a base schedule... but between special opportunities and deadlines, often the base schedule becomes a mere suggestion... and even when it's not, I'm still trying to remember when I work at my second job (basically all closing shifts, so I'm getting home around two in the morning on those nights).  It's pretty amazing to me that so far, I've showed up at all the right times to all the right places.

But just to give you an idea as to how much I'm in the moment, as opposed to seeing the big picture, here's a true story.

The other day, I was driving past the elementary school to do some laundry, because our dryer, which has been fixed four times, broke once again.  As I passed Kaliah's school, I frowned to myself, because I noticed that there were cars lined up around the block all over the place.  And I thought to myself, how rude!  What on earth is going on at the school that they wouldn't even notify the parents?  Obviously, I'd like to know so that I could at least have the option of participating!  I was about to work myself into a full blown tizzy when I happened to glance at the clock and realize that it was a little after three.

The line of cars was there to pick up their children.

My very own daughter was IN the building.  While I'm having a momzilla moment going off about the lack of etiquette the school was displaying over not letting me know what kind of special event is going on...

It dawns on me that there was no special event.  Just my daughter going home from school.  Which happens every day, at this time, at this place.

And I am so clueless, I've forgotten my own kid is in this building.

(And no, my poor, overworked brain had no sense of where my kid actually was, if not at school.  So don't ask.)

I know, right?  Mother of the year, right here.

But in all seriousness, between my efforts to be a mom and wife and student and research assistant and manager (and late cook--that's a fun one.  My restaurant stops scheduling late night cooks this time of the year, so you'd be happy to know that my culinary skills are improving, because, um, they have to)--being a blogger has sort of fallen off the radar.  And while I still consider myself a writer (I always will), the writing I'm doing these days is primarily academic.

But it was a pleasant surprise to see, that when I found a few minutes today to check into the situation...

Apparently I had 163 views over the past month, even though I hadn't updated a single time.

So, wow.

And thanks.

And I'm going to try to do better.  No promises, because life is short.  And full.  And I know that I am no Super Woman.

But as always, I do appreciate your support.  And I'm quite taken aback by it this time.

So thanks for reading.  And please continue doing so.

And I'll do my best to continue writing.

A Triumphant Return After an Unrealized Absence

So I'm glancing back over my blog entries, now that I've finally found a spare moment to blog, and I realize that, it has been nearly ONE WHOLE MONTH since I've posted anything.

Which shocked me, only because I can't believe I haven't updated this thing since my kid's birthday.

But also because my daughter's birthday seems like it was ages ago, yet it feels like I could not have possibly spent that much time not writing.

As a school teacher, during the summer time, I had a routine.  I woke up.  I read my Bible.  I wrote.  At least five pages.  Everyday.  And I ran.  At least three miles, at least three times a week.

This summer, I am no longer a school teacher.  I am the director of the Young Writers Summer Camps.  I am a manager at the Cottage Café.  I am a bride-to-be.

I am not writing on a daily basis (or, um, at all).

And running and I are in the midst of a lengthy separation, basically headed for divorce.

I can let the running go.  I ran my marathon.  I eat well (usually), and I get plenty of exercise at work.  So I don't need to be a runner right now.

 And temporarily, I suppose I've put my writing on hold (which is crazy for me, because I can't even think of myself in terms of who I am if I'm not a writer).

But the reality is, right now, I'm not writing.

What really strikes me about this situation is how sometimes, on the verge of so many new and exciting horizons, you become someone you never saw coming.

If you asked me who I was last year, I would have said:  A mother.  A Christian.  A writer.  A runner. A girl in love.

I'm still all of those things, but at the same time, some of them have slipped away from me.  Of course I'm still a mother--but I'm not making home-cooked meals.

I am still a Christian--but I'm ashamed to admit that today was the first day in a couple weeks that I forced myself to find time for my Bible when I woke up.  Why?  Because I've been closing at the restaurant, getting home around three in the morning, to barely find a few moments with my pillow before waking up and rushing off to the university to see over everything there.  And then the process repeats itself until I finally stumble into a day when I only have to work ONE JOB, and that's very exciting.

Nothing, and I mean, NOTHING, that I do is more important than my time with God.  Yet somehow, I've been letting it be stolen from me, in the distractions of business, obligations, the desire to do a good job.

Nothing that I've embarked upon is something I don't want to do.  It all matters, and I love it all.  But I have got to say that I was truly astounded that this much time has passed this summer.  And I need to remember that no matter how busy I get, no matter how many issues demand my attention:

I have got to keep my priorities straight, and I have got to stay true to who I am.

Because other wise, none of the rest of it will matter.

I saw a quote the other day that I'm taking to heart.  It said:  "I finally realized today that I cannot do everything.  So I have decided to do as much as I can do and do it fabulously."

And that's it.

So today, I read my Bible.  This is me writing.

I plan to do them both again tomorrow.

And no, I won't really see my daughter tonight, because she was asleep when I left, and she'll be asleep when I get home.

But maybe I will leave her a note or a little surprise, just to remind her, that I still love her, even in my absence. 

And the wedding stuff--every time I start to stress about not having the right color flower petals, or wondering if my shoes are going to be that special, magical height in between nope-that's-taller-than-my-fiancé, and not-so-flat-that-I-have-no-added-height-and go-tripping-over-my-dress-and-rolling-down-the-aisle--

I am going to remember that none of it really matters, aside from the fact that we love each other, and I am finally marrying my best friend.

And as the day throws more at me, I will recite to myself one of my new life verses:  Psalm 54:4-- "God is my help, surely the Lord will sustain me." 

Without him, I'm just a hamster on a wheel.  But with him?

Well, I'm doing the best I can, and I'm doing it fabulously.