Thoughts on Writing Part III... (The Potty Training Edition)

Potty training is on my mind today.

I wrote a funny piece about it, the process of potty training our youngest, and, actually, I am super excited to announce that its publication will be forthcoming in a hilarious collection of humorous literature online called Defenestration.  But in thinking about writing that piece (and dealing with the daily victories, frustrations, setbacks, and learning that is potty training), I’ve been thinking about how much of what I’ve learned about writing is similar.

So, for today’s reflections, here are six lessons learned about writing that also apply to potty training.

13.  Celebrate the small successes.  Joy hath no depth greater than that of a toddler telling her daddy she pee-peed on the potty.  We’d all be wise to celebrate accomplishments that, much like peeing on the potty, have gotten a bit routine over the years.  For writers, celebrate success however you can--share the good news with other writers, friends, your family--whoever will be excited for you.  

14.  Realize you’re going to get messy.  I won’t get into the details of the analogy to potty training here, as it’s both graphic and obvious.  But writing is the same way, whether you’re seeking publication or not.  Writing about painful memories is messy.  Getting rejected is a crappy feeling. Be prepared for it, and know it is perfectly normal.

15.  Reward yourself.  With Shay, we award her with a song and dance routine that reflects our joyous celebration of her successful use of the toilet.  And, often, we also give her a cookie.  Figure out what your goals as a writer are, and when possible, reward yourself for meeting goals, for sticking to your schedule, for landing a "no" that wasn’t a flat out form rejection.  Have a cookie.  A glass of wine.  A night out with friends, a pair of new shoes.  Heck, hang a favorite sentence on your fridge, and then reward yourself with something yummy inside of it.

16.  Speaking of sentences on the fridge:  Be your own validation.  My two-and-a-half-year-old, Shay, often exclaims, “Big girl!”  It’s both lovely and admirable, the sheer confidence she has in herself, the truth she feels in that statement, as she declares herself to be a big girl.  I mean, she’s wearing the panties!  Who am I to argue with her?  We struggling writers should remind ourselves:  “We’re writers!” No publisher, agent, teacher, or critic can tell us that we’re not, even if we’re not yet as successful as we long to be.

17.  Deny yourself.  (I know, exactly the opposite of number 15).  But with Shay on the potty, we don’t always allow her everything she wants—we sometimes hold out.  I’ll tell her she can’t have more juice until she uses the potty.  As writers, what can we deny or delay until we’ve reached our goals?  For me, in the summer, maybe I'll forgo a morning at the beach to finish revising a draft. (And then I can have an afternoon at the beach!)

18.  And about that—set some goals!  Maybe they’re obvious and you don’t need to write them down.  For example, I don’t need to write down that my hope for Shay is that her underwear stay clean all day, just like I don’t need to put it in print that I’m going to write five pages each day—I wake up knowing that is my goal!  But perhaps it will be helpful to write down an objective or two: Write a story that makes my kid laugh.  Be published in a particular publication.  Write a novel in x amount of time.  In other areas of my life, I’ve written down a goal and pinned it above my desk where I’ll see it every day.  That might be helpful for some aspiring writers, and you know what?  Maybe I’ll take my own advice, set some new writing goals, and tack them up above my desk or tape them to my mirror.  Just like I love crossing items off a to-do list, I am all about looking at bigger "to dos" and realizing that they have become "Done."

So while I'm thinking about my next steps, and what big To Dos I'm going to be brave enough to write down.... In the meantime, I’m going to try to keep my big girl dry in her big girl panties!  Stay well everyone—keep writing, mom-ing, and whatever else it is you are doing.

Shaylin acting modest... she's a VERY big girl!

Thoughts On Writing, Part II

As promised, I return this week with several more reflections on writing.  I began conceiving 36 Reflections on Writing last Thursday, two days after my 36th birthday.  I must admit that the number 36 is completely arbitrary, and that, like much of my writing, I began not knowing how I would end.  Of course I picked 36 as my number of suggestions in an effort to celebrate my 36 years... but I suppose time will tell whether or not we'll make it to the end.  That brings me to my first thought for today...

7.  It's okay to not know where you're going.  I hear that there are lots of authors out there who map out, in great detail, exactly where they are headed.  I must confess that I almost never work that way.  I start with an idea to follow it and see where it takes me.  Sure, there are some dead ends (and lots of u-turns), but for the most part, I almost never know where I'm going.  I personally think it's okay to write without knowing how I'll end something.  In fact, I prefer working this way.  This brings me to my next reflection.

8.  Just get started.  As mentioned above, not knowing how everything will shake out is no reason to delay a beginning.  I know some writers who talk themselves into writer's block because they don't have it all together in their head.  Whether I'm writing for academics or my personal life, the first step for me is always to start somewhere.  I'm not big into pre-writing, either (sorry, English teachers!).  I just need to start typing.  If it doesn't turn out, that's what the backspace key is for.

9.  Sometimes you find a gem in the junk.  I've written more than my fair share of garbage over the years.  I've never let that stop me from pursuing writing, but I've also learned that even in the worst writing exercises I've attempted, there's almost always something to be admired somewhere in there.  Sometimes you have to write a bunch of crap before you know what you want to say, and even after you know what you want to write, sometimes you have to write your way into it.  Thus, a lot of my most boring sentence structures, most trite descriptions, and lackluster language usage have paved the way for the kind of sentences I want to hang on my refrigerator.  (Relax, I'm not that big of a nerd.  The fridge has a ladybug made by Shay hanging on it now, as well as Kaliah's report card).

10.  Parenthetical casualties can save a chapter.  I learned this one while revising and editing my dissertation.  Having always been too fond of the Faulknerian sentence, it was difficult for me to balance the need to write clearly and concisely with my desire to vividly craft eloquent sentences.  I've probably always relied way too much on dashes, parentheticals, and other tricks that allow me to continue stringing words together when my poor reader is desperately seeking a period.  In the back and forth commenting my chair and I engaged in as I submitted draft after draft of my writing, I remember typing "another parenthetical casualty," with just a bit of resentment, as I'd removed yet another parenthetical phrase at her request.  "Yes, but you saved the chapter," she wrote back.  As I read my earlier versions of the work, I had to admit that she was right.  That leads me to number eleven.

11.  Get yourself a friendly critical reader.  You need them because they're going to give you a perspective that you can't find on your own.  When you're too close to your writing, you aren't going to notice all the ways it can be improved.  Notice I also said friendly, here--because, really, who wants an unfriendly critic?  You need someone who can be honest about both the good and bad.

And the last one for today...

12.  Picture your Ideal Reader.  Maybe you're not ready to share with a real reader yet.  Maybe time doesn't allow for this.  Maybe your readers are TOO friendly, and won't be honest.  When I was a senior in college, Rashieme came to my senior reading.  His resting facial expression isn't all that inviting, I suppose--my creative writing professor noticed him, and was, unbeknownst to me, watching him throughout the event.  Now, I didn't notice this, because I was reading--but apparently, as Rashieme got into the writing I was sharing, his expression changed.  He leaned forward in his seat.  He nodded along to parts of the writing that moved him.  "Did you see that guy?" My professor asked me, later.  Not knowing he was my boyfriend, my prof went on to describe how Rashieme arrived looking bored but became animated halfway through my reading.  "Write like you're trying to hook that guy with the first sentence!" Dr. Horner instructed.  Stephen King has called that person that you write for your "Ideal Reader."  Whether real or imagined, it might be helpful to envision how your writing will be perceived by someone else.

That's all for today, folks!  Speaking of ideal readers, I'm thankful for all of you.  Hopefully those of you who write found something useful here today, but even if that's not the case, thanks, as always, for dropping by!

36 Reflections on Writing for my 36th Birthday... Part 1.

Well, it's come and it's gone:  My 36th Birthday.

36 has an interesting vibe to it.  I'm still young in the general scheme of things, but I'm also on the other side of "middle life," if you figure we get approximately seventy years on the planet.  As I'm thinking about my time on the third rock from the sun, I am mostly reflecting on how blessed I am.  I have an amazing husband, beautiful daughters, a caring and supportive extended family, a teaching career that I love... Plus, I live at the beach.

Who could want for more?  Jesus already solved the biggest problem I'll ever have.  I enjoy great health, good food, a fun family.

The area of my life that is furthest from where I wish it was?  My writing life.  In a way, I've accomplished more in writing than I ever thought I would.  I've written a dissertation.  My writing has unlocked the door for me to be called doctor.  I've been published in a scholarly journal, and I've traveled to Illinois, Western Maryland, Pennsylvania, New York, and even London to discuss my academic writing.

On the creative side of things, I connect with hundreds of readers instantly when I click publish on this page, a phenomenon that I never would have imagined possible when I was growing up and writing in spiral notebooks.  I've written three novel-length works to date.  That's sort of impressive, too, even if they aren't enjoyed by the masses.  I'm such a procrastinator, my entire house has never been fully cleaned within the same month, but somehow, little old me wrote three books?

Killing it.

But still, the little girl in 4th grade who wrote "The Christmas Tree Mystery," a lyrical poem that was my first actual publication, courtesy of our local paper, The Wave, still dreams of being a published novelist.  The girl who sat in creative non-fiction class fifteen years ago and read "I expect to see your name in print someday" written on the bottom of her final paper?

That girl wants validation.

Thus, even as I continue to seek traditional publication, I stop and reflect on lessons learned so far from my writing life.  I'm not where I want to be, yet, but I've also accomplished so much I never considered possible.  So in honor of my 36th birthday, here are the first of 36 Thoughts on Writing.  Hopefully they'll encourage some other writers out there.

1.  You are a writer.  This was the point that was always driven home to me by The Eastern Shore Writing Project, and I am so thankful to have heard it again and again in that context.  It's good advice for anyone who wants to be a writer.  If you are writing, you are a writer.  Simple as that.  Your publication status, the opinions of others, and even your own doubts have nothing to do with it.  You are a writer.

2.  Writing while mom-ing is hard work.  This one probably sounds like a duh.  But I can remember listening to one novelist who explained that she began writing when her son was born and her traditional career was put on hold.  She was at home everyday, and she began writing while he napped. Oh, how I wish it worked that way for me!  I was never the mom who naps when the baby naps, but I also don't accomplish anything else while my children are asleep.  I take a few moments to just be, and that's ok, too.  For me, admitting it's not easy to do much else while being a mother is helpful.  Motherhood is the most important job I'll ever do, and lofty literary aspirations have to take a back seat.  They just do.

3.  Writing dreams can sit in the backseat.  But they need a seat somewhere.  Having said that writing while mom-ing is hard work, don't kick writing out of your life altogether! (Whether for you, the challenge is mom-ing, or working, or dad-ing, or schooling, or wife-ing, or whatever!)  I write because I love it, because I need to, because I'm a better me for doing it.  When I don't write (which does happen), sometimes the world doesn't turn upside down.  But, I miss it.  So for me, it's about making time.  In the summer, my schedule is pretty relaxed, but I still try to beat my family up every day and write a few pages.  When I was working on my last book, and I had to finish it?  I set an alarm at 5 a.m. everyday and wrote five pages.  Doesn't matter where you get it in, just get it in.

4.  Querytracker.net is a great website.  That's it!  But if you're a writer who didn't know it existed, now you do.  You're welcome.  :)  It's a fantastic resource for writers who want to connect with agents and/or publishers.

5.  Revision is your friend.  I have a love/hate relationship with revising.  There are times when I've hated being forced to go back through a draft.  There have been lucky moments when I've written some truly strong first drafts, and haven't really needed to revise.  These moments inflated my already-too-big-ego and made me think that I'm a better writer than I really am... and what I've learned through the dissertation process is that revision really does lead to stronger writing, regardless of who you are and how good your first draft was.

6.  Rejection does not define you.  I've been rejected from agents more times than I can remember (although if I really wanted to depress myself, I could pull up my old excel spreadsheets as well as my current ones and give you a number).  But, I am not a poor writer.  My manuscripts were not necessarily even poor manuscripts.  They just weren't right for those particular agents at the particular times I pitched them.  It took the Chicago Cubs 108 years to win a World Series.  I've already spent about ten years trying to get published, so, I figure if I keep at it... only 98 more years to go!

But seriously... agented or not, published or not, see number 1.  I am a writer.

For more lessons on writing and life (from an unpublished, unagented author who stubbornly refuses to give up), look for the sequel to this blog post coming soon!


The writing starter kit:  Location you love.  Coffee.  Laptop.  Plethora of papers (notes, printed copies of earlier drafts, what have you).  Optional:  Hot Mama Boots.